Signs You’re in a Complicated Relationship and How to Deal With It

A complicated relationship is much more than just a Facebook status. It’s a relationship that is hard to define because you don’t know what you are to each other. In most cases, a complicated relationship is a one-sided connection where one partner wants a commitment, but the other one does not.

What makes a relationship complicated?

Relationships turn complicated when partners don’t talk to one another about their wants and needs and are not on the same page regarding their expectations or the purpose of the relationship. Even great relationships can become complicated when things become unclear.

Signs of a complicated relationship

A no strings attached relationship. A casual, no strings attached, dating relationship can quickly become complicated when you develop feelings for the other person that go unrequited. One or both of you are bound to get hurt, and your friendship may go down the drain as well.

A secret relationship. You and/or your partner try to conceal your relationship from others, perhaps because you’re afraid they won’t approve. You do not introduce each other to your family or close friends, nor do you show signs of affection in public. This type of relationship can bode trouble down the road and be damaging to your self-esteem and confidence.

A deceitful partner. Your partner has secrets – things he or she is hiding from you. Perhaps he or she is married and doesn’t want anyone to know about you, and is trying to keep you from knowing anything about his or her married life either.

An unlabeled relationship. An unlabeled relationship tends to have blurred boundaries and can lead to a lot of confusion. Are you just dating, or are you exclusive? You and your partner have not discussed your goals and expectations of each other, and you question what the two of you have but you may not want to bring it up because you’re not confident that he or she wants to be with you and don’t want to chance losing him or her.

An on-and-off relationship. An on-and-off relationship where you keep breaking up and getting back together again can be a sign of co-dependency and an inability to move on. Your emotions cloud your judgment, and you start seeing each other again thinking it will be different this time around, but it isn’t, so you just keep repeating the pattern over and over.

A relationship with a “but.” Whenever there is a “but” in a relationship, there is a problem. A partner who tells you he or she likes you, but…or loves you, but…is being hesitant for a reason. It’s a red flag that he or she is not sure about how he or she feels about the relationship and is not ready to commit.

Being in a complicated relationship can take a toll on your mental health. Confusing boundaries, expectations, and goals can make you feel insecure, anxious, and depressed.

Ways to deal with a complicated relationship

Understand the conflict. A good first step is to identify the issue(s) with which you are dealing. Do you or your partner have trust or commitment issues? Are you engaged in a long-distance relationship? What exactly is making your relationship feel complicated?

Stop distorting reality. Take off your rose-tinted glasses and take the focus off of how things used to be or the way you wish they were. Look at the reality of your relationship at present.

Identify your part in the complication. Look at your issues from the perspective of an unbiased outsider, and be willing to take responsibility if you’re the one at fault. Ask yourself if there is some adjustment you need to make for the relationship to be successful.

Communicate your needs. Speak up and let your partner know how you feel about what’s going on in your relationship, and give him or her the opportunity to do the same. Lack of communication is usually the number one cause of a complicated relationship.

Complications are often the result of misunderstandings or an issue your partner may not even realize exists. Being honest and upfront with each other about your expectations can prevent your relationship from turning complicated down the road.

Speak from your heart. Be open and honest about what you are feeling, and use “I” statements instead of accusing your partner or trying to shift blame.

Establish boundaries. Address gray areas and establish clear boundaries that reflect both your and your partner’s needs, comfort levels, and goals for the future. If you don’t share your feelings of confusion with your partner, he or she may think everything is okay even when it isn’t, because he or she doesn’t realize that you’re not on the same page.

Learn to compromise. Healthy relationships require give and take. Be willing to find ways to accommodate each other’s needs and preferences without sacrificing your own.

Spend time with friends outside your relationship. Spending time with friends can help strengthen your identity and provide you with a support system.

Spend some time apart. If you find yourself questioning the future of your relationship, spending some time apart can give you a chance to clear your head and think things through without being influenced by your partner.

Use this time to assess your relationship and reflect on issues such as why you entered it in the first place, what attracted you to your partner, your and your partner’s compatibility with each other, what seems to be working in the relationship, and what is not, and trying to imagine what life might be like if you and your partner were no longer together.

Build trust. A healthy relationship is built on trust. Practice being open and honest with each other and listening to what each other is saying.

Know that leaving is an option. Some relationships just aren’t meant to be. If you are in a relationship that doesn’t seem to be going anywhere, and you and your partner are unable to work out the differences that are making the relationship complicated, it may be best to end it.

What the Bible says about relationships

A friend loves at all times. – Proverbs 17:17a, ESV

Always be loving. For a relationship to last, friends should love each other through thick or thin – not just during the good times.

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. – Ephesians 4:32, ESV

Be willing to forgive. We are all imperfect human beings who sometimes hurt each other. Being willing to forgive is the best way to restore a relationship.

A brother wronged is more unyielding than a fortified city; disputes are like the barred gates of a citadel. – Proverbs 18:9, NIV

Don’t argue. Arguments can tear relationships apart. Instead of arguing over your disagreements, choose to handle them calmly and with respect.

Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so? – Amos 3:3, NIV

Be clear about your goals and expectations. You and your partner don’t have to agree about everything, but having the same goals and expectations will decrease friction and frustration in your relationship. It is important to both be on the same page.

My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. – James 1:19, NIV

Learn to listen. Unless you listen, you can’t know what your partner is feeling. Pay close attention not only to your partner’s words but to their body language as well.

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