Maintaining Your Sense of Self in Married Life

When we first fall in love, we cannot imagine life without our significant other: early morning coffee while talking over the day, lunch dates, romantic dinners, movie time, and a sweet time in bed. We want to spend every waking moment with our love. Yet, if we do not maintain a sense of self in married life, we can eventually feel depleted and drained. But how can you assert your individuality without alienating your spouse?

Ways to improve your individuality in married life

Your self-identity is critical in a marriage. When two strong, separate people unite, their bond is powerful. These two people who can function independently decide to take the relationship further and join together to share their lives.

But if there is an imbalance in the relationship, such as one partner making all the decisions, the other person can lose their identity. This can lead to bitterness, anger, resentment, and emotional distance. When it comes to married life, look for ways to boost your self-confidence and strengthen your self-identity.

Share details about your day and actively listen to your spouse.

When was the last time you talked with your spouse? Not about problems at home or with children, but about your day? Do you ask questions about your significant other’s day and show interest? We often get caught up in the role of spouse that we forget to take the time to make eye contact and actively listen to the other person. We stop showing each other respect by not listening to what the other has to say.

When you first began dating, you may have held on to every word and antidote your loved one spoke. Of course, this is not realistic later after you get to know your spouse on a deeper level, but you should still be interested in what happens in their life, and they should be interested in your life separate from the relationship.

Sharing details about other aspects of your life outside your spouse gives you a sense of individuality. You have a life outside marriage, but the union greatly enhances that life.

Express your feelings.

Healthy relationships allow you to express your feelings without judgment or fear. Are you concerned about pointing out something your spouse has done because of how they may react? This may be a sign of an unhealthy relationship that needs help.

You are less likely to voice your feelings or opinions when you lose your identity. To keep the peace, you may stay silent until you cannot take it anymore. To counter this, learn how to be more assertive. You need to stand up for yourself and not fear rejection or abuse.

Your spouse should also feel free to express their thoughts or feelings. If your spouse is unhappy with a situation, they should be able to tell you. The truth can hurt, so always be kind and willing to work through any issues. You may want to seek help in learning communication skills and conflict resolution strategies.

Enjoy your separate interests.

When you met your significant other, you probably had interests and hobbies you enjoyed. Did you run a few miles every morning? Did you attend concerts or plays performed by local organizations? Did you golf? For some reason, due to increased responsibilities or feelings of guilt, we stopped engaging in the hobbies that brought us joy before we married.

To return to feeling more like yourself (and a separate entity from your spouse), list the hobbies and interests you have always loved. Can you resume at least one of them? If you cannot think of anything from your past that you would like to continue, brainstorm activities that interest you.

For example, maybe your health does not allow you to play basketball like you used to, but you have always wanted to learn how to play a musical instrument. Now may be the time to sign up for lessons.

Encourage your spouse to also pursue other interests outside of your marriage. You can support one another while honoring different activities. You each should have a chance to be successful in your own interests.

Keep your friends close.

Aside from interests, we often lose or distance ourselves from our friendships before marriage. We become consumed with the marital relationship that we leave out those friendships that have gotten us through some tough times.

This does not mean you need to meet with your best friends from high school every morning for breakfast (unless you want to). But try to arrange some time to hang out with a close friend at least once a month. You can call and text your friends, but what you need most is face-to-face interaction.

If you no longer have those friends from before your wedding, look around. Who should you reach out to and befriend? What about the next-door neighbor? If you are active in your church or another organization, who can you invite for coffee or lunch?

Encourage your spouse to maintain healthy friendships. You both want to be free to pal around with friends while always keeping each other in mind.

Protect your boundaries.

We often lose our sense of self when we allow people to control our schedule, finances, and other aspects of our lives. Boundaries can blur in a marriage, especially if one spouse has a strong personality. Being assertive and making boundaries clear at the beginning of the marriage creates guidelines for you both to follow. You are saying that you are not okay with certain behaviors.

Honoring your spouse’s boundaries shows your love and affection for them. By respecting your boundaries and listening when you say no, your spouse acknowledges that your wants and needs matter.

If you have been married for a long time, then creating new boundaries may come as a shock to your spouse. They may accuse you of changing or being difficult. Assure them that you love them but that this is important to you. Consider the assistance of a counselor to mediate as you set these new boundaries.

Resurrect your goals and dreams.

As we grow into maturity, our dreams may change. We strive for our goals. When we marry, sometimes we set those desires, goals, and objectives aside to build a new life with our spouse. But if we continue without working toward our heart’s desire, we can feel unfulfilled. This absence can create division in our relationship, especially if we believe our spouse is fulfilling their dreams and we are left wanting.

Both of you must work toward goals and reach for dreams. Share your vision of the future with your spouse. You might need to shift schedules or finances to meet those goals. Some couples may need one person to work two jobs while the other finishes a degree. Just remember that if your spouse is making sacrifices for you to reach a goal, you should be willing to do the same.

List the goals you had before you married. Have they changed? Maybe you wanted to be a missionary on another continent but now feel like a ministry closer to home is where you should focus. Discuss your dreams with your spouse and make a plan with a timeline for reaching those goals.

Are you losing yourself in the process?

While married life can be enjoyable, it is easy to get wrapped up in a whirlwind of love and responsibilities and forget to maintain your individuality. This can lead to feeling smothered and drained, always being there for someone else but not yourself.

If you struggle with independence apart from your spouse, reach out to a counselor today. We can schedule an appointment for you with a licensed professional specializing in marriage counseling, codependency, and married life in general.

If you share your cup too much, it will become drained. You need time to refill it, and you are a better spouse, friend, and lover when that cup overflows. Take time to enjoy married life and allow it to benefit you.