Becoming a Successful Blended Family

Many people think that blended families have only been around for the last few decades. But if you examine the Bible, there have been blended families since the book of Genesis. There are multiple reasons that a blended family might be created. Whether through death or divorce, there are times when two families come together to create a stepfamily.

And it came about, while Israel was living in that land, that Reuben went and slept with his father’s concubine Bilhah, and Israel heard about it. Now there were twelve sons of Jacob –  the sons of Leah were Reuben, Jacob’s firstborn, then Simeon, Levi, Judah, Issachar, and Zebulun; the sons of Rachel were Joseph and Benjamin; and the sons of Bilhah, Rachel’s female slave, were Dan and Naphtali; and the sons of Zilpah, Leah’s female slave, were Gad and Asher. These were the sons of Jacob who were born to him in Paddan-aram. – Genesis 35:22-26, NASB

The term stepfamily is now known as a blended family. In a report completed by Pew Research Center blended/stepfamilies made up about 13% of families in the 60s; today that percentage is about 25. This shows that there has been an increase in homes that are comprised of stepfamilies. Regardless of why, learning to become a successful blended family is based on intentional decisions.

What are the challenges of becoming a blended family?

When you decide to bring two families together it can be a tedious and stressful situation. Many obstacles have to be met and overcome. This means everyone involved should be part of the blending process. This may or may not include the younger children, depending on the age and the choice of the parents.

Some of the most common challenges involve trust, finances, and roles. The decision to face the challenges comes from being intentional about becoming a family. Seeking the Bible is a great place to start looking for answers to situations.

Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. – Matthew 19:5, ESV

A few of the important challenges to overcome are:

Living and financial arrangements between husband and wife coming into a blended family should be one of the first things discussed when it comes to creating a new family dynamic. Minimizing the effect of past issues in a new dynamic may be as simple as separate banking accounts. A decision to bring the new family together in a new home can also alleviate the “this is my space” feelings.

Starting a new marriage is one of the hardest things to start from the ground up. There have been hurts that are lingering. The fear of not wanting to be hurt is real and it can cause a person to remain distant, even in marriage.

Trying to harmonize two families can be a stressful project. Two dynamics are coming together to form something new and fresh. Older children tend to have a harder time with change. It’s important to remember that they have been hurt in the process too.

Learning to co-parent as a new couple is also an important aspect of the mechanics of stepfamilies. It will take both spouses to come together and create a life for the child that will involve both parents. Learning to incorporate the ex-spouse as a part of the child’s life will decrease the chance of resentment from the child.

Roles and rules regarding where each parent stands help with fruitless confrontations. It is important to understand how each of you feels about disciplining children. Working together to create a consistent way of discipline will get everyone on the same page and show that there is no favoritism. Children need to be reassured that they are loved and wanted. This should come from both sides of the dynamic.

Patience and grace will go a long way when it comes to creating a successful blended family. Accept that no one has all the answers and no one is perfect. Reinforce the hope of God’s word in building relationships and keep communication at the forefront of every issue.

Overcoming challenges

Deciding to create a new family dynamic can be an exciting time. It will mean that you learn to empty the baggage of past hurts and problems. Emptying the baggage will allow you to pack new memories and new dreams into your life. Though there will be times that it is a struggle, starting new isn’t meant to be full of fear. It takes trusting God and His word.

When it comes to getting remarried, the new title becomes stepparent. The connotations associated with this term have not always been pleasant. That is why it is important to refuse to let that dictate who you are in this new role as a bonus parent. God’s word does not define us as the world does. Remembering this can help you overcome feelings of shame or guilt.

But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light. – 1 Peter 2:9, ESV

If you find that you need help identifying issues and how to overcome them, you can reach out to your local Christian counselor. There are faith-based counselors in our office that are willing to help you and your spouse create a successful blended family.